HE Said – Why & How Not To

I have had a lot of “light bulb moments” since starting my recovery. In a lot of cases, those moments result in realizations that I might be making progress. Other times, the result is me feeling overwhelmed. I had one of those moments last night . . .

He Said – The Hamster And The Fish

You know, when you take a hamster out of its cage, and you try hold onto it without hurting it, and it immediately tries to crawl out of your hand, and you catch it with your other hand, and it crawls out of that hand, and on and on. You’re its wheel . . .

She Said – It’s the Zoloft, I swear

“Honey this is the exact same thing that happened the last time you tried taking Zoloft.”
“Yah, but I was still drinking then.”
“Right, but this is the same. You are NOT like this. This is NOT you!”
“Maybe I….”
“NO! Trust me, as an outsider looking in, I can see this. I can see the pattern. THIS IS THE ZOLOFT!”

And I realize that’s one of the hard things. He can’t see inside himself from the outside. None of us can.

He is doing such an amazing job of reaching out and trying to heal the underlying depression that is ultimately at work here. Therapy of all sorts, and even antidepressants, which I think is a good thing. But Zoloft has been a disaster both times we’ve tried it. I don’t know how to explain to him so that he really hears me that I can tell the difference between who he is FOR REAL and who he is when he’s altered.

I don’t know how to tell him to be strong and trust his instincts, except when he can’t and shouldn’t.

I don’t know how to dig him out of a drug-induced ditch without steamrolling his process. But I know I need to in this case, he needs to get off the Zoloft. The zoloft is having horrible side-effects, he is far worse than he ever has been. And it started when he started the Zoloft again. Exactly the same as last time.

This sucks.

He Said – The Truth Hurts

I’m trying really hard to not feel guilty about how much I’ve disrupted her life. We both took pride in the way we (supposedly) communicated openly and honestly with each other . . .

He Said – As I Understand Me

Once again, I’m debating with myself about the notion of willfully giving myself over to a “higher power” for my recovery. As I’ve said before, I’m not prone to placing responsibility for the things that I’ve done, and the things that I need to do, on something that exists outside of me . . .

She Said – Stranger in a Familiar Land

I think I’ve said this before, but I don’t feel at home anywhere. Not in my own home, not in the life that we had created together. It’s easy to say, “my husband is an alcoholic,” and people nod as if they know what that means. But it has nothing to do with the alcohol. It has to do with the lies and deceit that went in to both needing and nurturing the relationship with alcohol.

He Said – Pleased to Meet Me

I’ve thought a lot about, and written about, the fact that I’ve “lost myself” as a result of my continuous suppression of underlying issues of depression, anxiety, insecurity, etc., that were further suppressed by alcohol consumption……

She Said – I Need A Drink

I’m at a conference tonight with something like 1,000 brilliant women, none of whom I know, all of whom seem to know each other vicariously through various semi-anonymous actions they take in their semi-professional lives, publicly, with the sole intent of being noticed because they know that they have something interesting to say. I am not totally convinced that I belong here. I am oddly shy. (Not odd at all, if you really know me.) My voice is slow and loud and low in my own head. I don’t want to be here. I am way out of my comfort zone.

I need an f’ing drink….

She Said – Addiction Is Addiction, Damn It.

It’s a gorgeous day here today. Sun is shining and all that hallmark crap that would imply singing Blue Birds spreading melodic joy into the open waiting souls of shiny happy people. Yah, well screw that, my car smells like cigarettes.

So really, I got in the car this morning and it smelled like cigarettes. I do not have words for how much I hate cigarettes, but that’s just my thing, and I get that. But here’s what is happening now and then, he is smoking instead of drinking.

Excuse me! What the F is the difference? None. At least that’s how I see it.

Alcohol is not the core problem with alcoholism…….

He Said – Humility

The last several AA meetings that I’ve been to have included extensive discussions on what it means to be humble, and what are the benefits of humility in one’s life. The discussions centered on the 7th Step, which states “Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings” . . .