She Said – Starting 5 Weeks Later

5 weeks ago, give or take, my husband of 14 years was arrested for DUI with a blood alcohol level of .27. That is 3 times the legal limit. That is really f’ing drunk.

He called at 3:30 in the morning. I didn’t hear the phone ring. (I don’t regret that, even if I had heard it ring, I wouldn’t have done anything. I saw it as his mess he made, his mess to clean up.)

No one was hurt. Not physically anyway.

But we were both devastated. 5 weeks later, we still are.

Especially since I believed that he had stopped drinking years ago. And that he had stopped drinking because he was afraid he might develop a problem like the rest of his family. I was proud of him. And he knew that.

Which made this all the worse for me. And even worse for him. On top of everything else he was fighting – depression that he was medicating with alcohol, all of which he was keeping secret – he now had to deal with shame and guilt. From where I sit, that’s a lot to deal with.

I have tried, for 5 weeks now, to let this be HIS problem. I don’t want to steal his thunder by making it my problem. I don’t want to design his recovery for him, or contain it with my own expectations. But, 5 weeks later, I have finally realized that this is a problem for me too. And my recovery is as scary and important as his. And I have to claim that.

Because it is really hard for me too. I’m not the one with the drinking problem, but his drinking problem – everything that went into it and came from it – is having a massive impact on my life. And it has for years, even though I didn’t know what it was.

I think it’s like termites. they’re in there, eating things away, destroying fiber and foundation silently and no one knows they’re there until there are holes in the wall, until the house is weak, could fall in the wind. And there you stand, wondering what to do? Exterminate? Burn the thing down? Pack your bags and move away, pretending it never happened? How can something so destructive do so much dastardly destroying without you knowing it? Stupid. That’s the only answer, you must be stupid.

That’s what this feels like.

5 weeks after my husband’s DUI and ensuing confession of years of closet drinking and dark depression, I’m standing here staring at the holes in the wall. Treading carefully on a foundation that is almost surely about to give way beneath my feet. I want to save the house, all of it, but I know I can’t. It’s time to move on. To where, I don’t know.

Ironic, isn’t that part of the AA serenity prayer is “accept the things i cannot change…..”

i cannot change that i love my husband unconditionally, i do, that won’t change.
i cannot change the fact that he is battling very big and deep demons that have nothing to do with me, i did not cause them, i cannot fix them. he has to do that himself.
i cannot change the fact that after years of being shut out and lied to, the foundation on which i wanted to build my life is just gone. it isn’t there anymore.
i cannot change the fact that our marriage as we know it is over, destroyed quietly over years.
i cannot change the fact that what i want is NOT a life of rebuilding something that has been destroyed, of wishing i could fix something i can’t fix, of wondering if there’s anything i could have done, should have done.
i cannot change the fact that i have the right and responsibility to create a life in which i feel free and happy and alive.
i cannot change the fact that for years i have denied that right and responsibility.
i CAN change that starting now.
i CAN decide to liberate myself and go forward honestly and openly admitting what i want, and admitting that i deserve it and can have it.
i CAN choose to liberate my husband from the guilt and fear associated with a life lived in discord with inner desires and needs.
i CAN choose to let go of what i think and fear, and in so doing show others that they can too.
i CAN choose to define love and compassion for myself, and allow others to do the same.
i CAN have fun, love, sex, adventure. Lots of it.
i CAN admit how much it scares me, and then go head first in to it.

Because it does scare me. A lot. But i know that I want it, need it, deserve it, and will have it. He deserves it too. And that it is the best thing for everyone.

It doesn’t matter how I got here, how long it was eroding without being caught. The question is “what will we do now?”

I have the courage to change things that I can change. I have the strength to accept the things I cannot change. And I know the difference.

I can change the way I live my life. I cannot change the way others live theirs.

I can see very clearly the wreckage left here. I can even see the path to it and the path from it. None of which would be possible if it hadn’t fallen apart so completely.

I can even be grateful for the seemingly dire situation that presented me with this clarity.

I am so blessed. I love. I am loved. I am strong and surrounded by wonder.

I am tired. But that’s okay. I can rest when I need to.

Tomorrow, I think I will go to my first Al-Anon meeting. The thing that I want right now is to know that other people have been here, felt this. I can get my brain around it all, that’s not a problem. It’s my heart that’s breaking.