He Said – Day 9 (Then Day 36)

Last year, based on numerous problems that resulted from my depression and anxiety, and from my drinking alcohol, my wife and I made the decision together that I would stop drinking entirely. While I was able to do that for a little while, I eventually started drinking again, and concealing it from everyone. Instead of confronting my drinking problem, I continued to drink, and was knowingly dishonest and deceitful about my drinking. I lied to everyone. I became a liar. My wife trusted me to stop drinking, and I betrayed that trust.

I am an alcoholic. I’ve known that for a while and I was too scared, ashamed and embarrassed to admit it. I knew in the back of my mind, that my fear, shame and embarrassment would eventually lead to something that would make me experience those feelings to a much greater degree, and yet I was powerless (but was I really?) to stop that from happening. I think that I needed something drastic to happen so that I could finally say “I’m done. I can’t manage this by myself. I have to get help.” On May 25, 2008 I was pulled over and arrested for DUI. I wonder sometimes if I intentionally got into that car and drove while drunk hoping to get caught. In that case, I’m glad it happened, and I’m glad it happened the way it did.

I feel extremely lucky. I believe I’ve been given a chance. I fully intend on taking advantage of the chance I’ve been given. I want to find out what I’m capable of. I would never be able to do that by continuing to drink. I said the other day that I tried to keep alcohol from interfering with my obligations. I realize how ridiculous that is since I didn’t make the decision to just stop. As an active drinker, how could I have ever fully been there to meet any obligations? I was often tired from lack of sleep, or irritable because I wanted to have a drink, or not able to remember things that I was told repeatedly, not REALLY THERE.

Here I am on my ninth day sober. I’ve managed to do that before in the last year, but this feels different. I really believe that I won’t drink again. I don’t believe it will be easy, but it’s what I want. I have to admit I didn’t necessarily want it before. I liked drinking, and I felt I could continue drinking without consequences as long as I was careful. I really fooled myself. I don’t know why I didn’t think that the lying and hiding wouldn’t eventually start to take a toll on my psyche, but it did.

Now on day 36 of sobriety, I’m still faced with fear, guilt, anger, helplessness, confusion, sadness, heartbreak every single day. I know that if I go back to drinking, that will continue forever. If I continue to recover, I’ll still experience those feelings sometimes, but more and more I’ll be able to experience courage, hope, peace, love, joy, friendship; things that are worth any amount of work I need to do to not take another drink.

I have an extreme amount of support in my life, from many different places. If I chose not to fail, with help, I will succeed. If I choose, for now, to just tread water, I will eventually swim. If I chose to live, I will eventually thrive.