He Said – Dependency

It’s true. I’ve always depended on other people and other things to cope. Why should I do things that someone else can do better, and I can just rely on that? The automatic thought being that SOMEONE ELSE CAN DO IT BETTER. Why try to cope with those feelings? That’s too stressful, and it won’t get me anywhere anyway. I could just drink, and at least make it SEEM better for a while.

She’ll go about making friends for us. She is outgoing, charming, brilliant, sexy. Everybody loves her. It’s easy for her, and then I won’t have to do it.

She’ll see that we’re able to do and fun and exciting things in our life. She’s driven, can’t sit still, won’t settle for “ordinary” experiences, and knows how to get what she wants. Another score. I get to go along for the fun and exciting ride.

Do I want to have children? Well, when she decides she’s ready, I’m sure I’ll be ready, too. She knows what’s right. It will be fine. It will be great. I can’t wait to have children.

It’s really time to make some decisions about my career. I’m sure she’ll have some valuable input. I’ll wait to see what she has to say. Oh, you really think I should do that? I don’t know if I’m ready for that. I’m not qualified. Sounds like too much work. I don’t think I can handle that much of a change. Let me think about that.

I honestly don’t believe I made a conscious decision to make a life with her so that she could just take care of me. I loved her. I still do. I do have to wonder, though, if part of my decision was based on the fact that she saw something in me that I felt no one else could see, including me. Maybe I thought she could just prop me up until I could take care of my own needs. Instead, I continued with my habits of dependency. And now, I’m right back where I started.

At least I get another chance. She may not still be in love with me, but that’s O.K. That’s not what this is about. I’ve lost myself. I feel like I’ve wasted so much time. I want to get myself back (by moving forward). I’m the only one that can do that.