He Said – The Best Liars

People who are engaging in behavior that they don’t want to stop, and don’t want others to know about, become masters of deception. I think this is particularly true of drinkers, because there is so much they have to conceal. Bottles, breath odor, slurred speech, incoherence, lack of coordination, hangovers, that’s a lot of stuff to manage. It can, at times, seem all-consuming. The willingness, or need, to carry this out indicates the powerful grip of alcoholism.

You actually become skilled at the concealment and deception. Or at least that’s what you tell yourself. What else are you going to tell yourself? “I’m really not that good at covering up my drinking. I better just stop.” No. You keep it up, because you haven’t gotten caught. You’re managing it. You’re managing your drinking. You get to keep doing it. Way to go.

I knew, absolutely without question, that something bad was going to happen as a result my drinking and my efforts to conceal it. I would tell myself all the time. I would wonder what it was going to be. Would I just get caught red-handed? Would I have an accident? Would I just get so drunk that I couldn’t deny it? Would I drive drunk and get pulled over? I knew, yet I would not stop. I couldn’t stop. I didn’t want to stop. I had already become a liar and a fraud, so what’s stopping go to do for me now?

Cowboy #1: See that guy? He used to be a drunken horse thief, and then he sobered up.
Cowboy #2: So what’s he now?
Cowboy #1: Guess he’s a sober horse thief.

So finally something happened. And all of those things that I worked so hard to hide were thrust into a glaring light. I’m not just talking about hiding the fact that I was drinking. I tried to hide everything that I considered a detriment or flaw in myself, and had been doing that long before drinking became a serious problem for me. And now I was suddenly exposed. I don’t think I’ve ever been so frightened in my life. I couldn’t get away with dishonesty and deceit anymore. I had to face the truth. Oh yeah, and I was going to lose everything in my life that was good.

Here’s what really happened, and what continues to happen. Those that loved me still do. Those that cared about me still do. Many of those that are just acquaintances are reaching out. People are helping me. They’re going out of their way to help. It has been incredibly humbling. People are looking through the flaws and seeing the person that allowed me to become a part of their lives in the first place, and I’m being taught to do the same.