She Said – Finding Peaceful Places

I was happy for a lot of the last couple days. I was also angry for a few chunks. No, not angry, more like resentful. No, not resentful either, just…. I think that my husband’s alcoholism and depression (they are so intertwined) has robbed me of the definitions that I used to use to figure out where I am and how I feel and what I’m doing.

Today, as we get ready to send our daughter off to camp, I spent the whole day running one errand after another. Get an ID card for her, fed ex her health forms, buy water bottles, bandannas, hiking socks, write her name in everything, etc…. It was really all fine. Until she came to me with that phrase that shoots terror in every parent’s soul, “mommy, my head itches.”

Some part of me thought I could just send her to camp with lice. They’ll be living outside in the Vermont wilderness for goodness sake, what difference can a couple lice make? So, as I was in the shower with her for the 2nd time, washing out the baby oil and then diligently blow drying each strand of her hair with a scalding dryer, I thought to myself, “really, does it always have to be ME who does everything?”

Then I realized what a lovely day we had, she and I, talking about camp, and how fun it would be. And I realized that amidst all the chaos were pockets of real joy. ACTUALLY IN THE POCKETS OF CHAOS.

So I thought about the places that I find joy.

A friend’s house who will watch South Park with me. Joy.
A group of friends with whom I will go on a fabulous vacation the last week in August. Joy.
Alone in the car singing loudly (and very badly). Joy.
A morning latte out by the beehives. Joy.
Sitting here, in this dark room, alone, writing this. Joy.

The common thread I am finding are that they are all things that don’t require me to be in control, to fix things, to be responsible. I had actually thought that I was unable to relinquish control, but that’s not true at all. Perhaps just unwilling lately because my life had truly become one in which if I didn’t do it, it wouldn’t get done.

I wondered, a few weeks ago, if I was looking to things to rescue me or save me. And that’s not it at all, I am looking for places that do not require me to be in control. That let me simply exist in the energy of a place and not control it, define it, be responsible for it. Not because I am weak – or even worn down – but because I realize that I am strong enough to withstand it. And I find, well, strength in that strength.

Yes, I know that made no sense. But there are all these peaceful places in my life. Places of real joy.

And one of them, really, is the knowledge that by not controlling “him” and our life, I am allowing him to find his own strength. To find out that our friends and family love him for him, not because I held the trappings of our life together. It makes me happy.

Peaceful.

Even joyful!