He Said – Humility

The last several AA meetings that I’ve been to have included extensive discussions on what it means to be humble, and what are the benefits of humility in one’s life. The discussions centered on the 7th Step, which states “Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.” I’ve been getting serious doses of humility lately. It’s ironic how, in part, my past tendencies towards humility (I’m not good, successful, smart enough) are what led me into alcoholism in the first place. But there is a different kind of humility than that. There is the kind of humility that allows you to say “I need help”, or “I don’t know what I’m doing”, or “I didn’t realize that was harmful to you, to me”, or “I don’t know how to stop”.

When I stopped drinking, I started smoking. Not constantly, just from time to time, when feeling particularly stressed or anxious. At first, I would think, at least I can still do this. I’ve stopped drinking, but here’s something else I can do, and it won’t alter my personality, it won’t impair my driving, it won’t break my sobriety. What the f*** was I thinking? It’s the same damn thing as the drinking. I’m using a substance to deal with emotional issues. When I realized that, admittedly with ‘her’ help, it was a heavy dose of humility for me. Addiction is real, and it’s insidious. One addiction can’t be substituted for another. I have to learn to deal with the UNDERLYING ISSUES.

If you’ve read my previous posts you may be thinking “Didn’t he already say that?” or “I thought he figured that out already.” More humility. I need help. I don’t know what I’m doing. I didn’t realize that was harmful (to you, to me). I don’t know how to stop. Yes, I did already say that, in this post. These are things I need to keep saying and keep trying to learn how to resolve. It’s ironic. The acceptance of humility can give you both feelings of helplessness and feelings of strength. Okay, so I can’t do this, but I can learn how to do it, and gain something in the process. And there are plenty of things that I am capable of doing that will have a positive impact on my life, so I can concentrate on those things.

I just want to come out and say it. This is hard. I’m struggling every day. I’ll even lose track of what I’m struggling with, and I have to stop and think about what I can do, just in that moment, to get just to the next moment. Talk about humbling. But without humility, I wouldn’t stop to think about what I’m doing, and how I feel about it, and what impact the decision I make to work through it will have on me and others around me. Something I’ve always said to her, but usually in a lighter context, “Evolution. It’s a slow process.” With humility I will evolve.