He Said – Pleased to Meet Me

I’ve thought a lot about, and written about, the fact that I’ve “lost myself” as a result of my continuous suppression of underlying issues of depression, anxiety, insecurity, etc., that were further suppressed by alcohol consumption. If that is the case, then a significant part of my recovery will involve “finding myself”, which begs the question, what will I find? Will it be the 12-year-old version of me who never had a drink? Will it be the 25-year-old version of me who she fell in love with? Will it be the 40-year-old (current) version of me who finally realizes that I’ve been there all along, and have decided that “I” am not the person I want to be, and “I” have to learn who that person is, and become that person?

That’s some scary shit. What if I don’t like who I am? I’ve become accustomed to my drinking self, and there really is a difference between an alcoholic who is actively drinking and one who is not. And how do I know when and if I’ve found myself?

I’m hoping that there will be a time, in the not so distant future, when I realize that I’m just living my life, and I’m satisfied with my existence on a daily basis, and I don’t even have to think about who I am, I can just be who I am, and feel happy and positive about who I am, and I can look at the people that are part of my life and recognize that I’m a positive influence on THEIR existence.

I still tend to view myself based on how I feel I’m perceived by others. But I’ll never fully realize myself until I can sense it from within, until I can project who I am towards others with confidence, and not rely on external perceptions.

Something that she said to me, a long time ago, but I still think about it all the time, “Consider the person that you want to be, make choices based on what that person would do, and you’ll become that person”. It seems so simple, doesn’t it? Except that I’ve become so used to not knowing who that person is. But if I can enable myself to do things that feel good, and are not harmful to me or anyone else, I’ll be on the right path.