She Said – It’s the Zoloft, I swear

“Honey this is the exact same thing that happened the last time you tried taking Zoloft.”
“Yah, but I was still drinking then.”
“Right, but this is the same. You are NOT like this. This is NOT you!”
“Maybe I….”
“NO! Trust me, as an outsider looking in, I can see this. I can see the pattern. THIS IS THE ZOLOFT!”

And I realize that’s one of the hard things. He can’t see inside himself from the outside. None of us can.

He is doing such an amazing job of reaching out and trying to heal the underlying depression that is ultimately at work here. Therapy of all sorts, and even antidepressants, which I think is a good thing. But Zoloft has been a disaster both times we’ve tried it. I don’t know how to explain to him so that he really hears me that I can tell the difference between who he is FOR REAL and who he is when he’s altered.

I don’t know how to tell him to be strong and trust his instincts, except when he can’t and shouldn’t.

I don’t know how to dig him out of a drug-induced ditch without steamrolling his process. But I know I need to in this case, he needs to get off the Zoloft. The zoloft is having horrible side-effects, he is far worse than he ever has been. And it started when he started the Zoloft again. Exactly the same as last time.

This sucks.

She Said – Stranger in a Familiar Land

I think I’ve said this before, but I don’t feel at home anywhere. Not in my own home, not in the life that we had created together. It’s easy to say, “my husband is an alcoholic,” and people nod as if they know what that means. But it has nothing to do with the alcohol. It has to do with the lies and deceit that went in to both needing and nurturing the relationship with alcohol.

She Said – I Need A Drink

I’m at a conference tonight with something like 1,000 brilliant women, none of whom I know, all of whom seem to know each other vicariously through various semi-anonymous actions they take in their semi-professional lives, publicly, with the sole intent of being noticed because they know that they have something interesting to say. I am not totally convinced that I belong here. I am oddly shy. (Not odd at all, if you really know me.) My voice is slow and loud and low in my own head. I don’t want to be here. I am way out of my comfort zone.

I need an f’ing drink….

She Said – Addiction Is Addiction, Damn It.

It’s a gorgeous day here today. Sun is shining and all that hallmark crap that would imply singing Blue Birds spreading melodic joy into the open waiting souls of shiny happy people. Yah, well screw that, my car smells like cigarettes.

So really, I got in the car this morning and it smelled like cigarettes. I do not have words for how much I hate cigarettes, but that’s just my thing, and I get that. But here’s what is happening now and then, he is smoking instead of drinking.

Excuse me! What the F is the difference? None. At least that’s how I see it.

Alcohol is not the core problem with alcoholism…….

She Said – Finding Peaceful Places

I was happy for a lot of the last couple days. I was also angry for a few chunks. No, not angry, more like resentful. No, not resentful either, just…. I think that my husband’s alcoholism and depression (they are so intertwined) has robbed me of the definitions that I used to use to figure out when I am and how I feel and what I’m doing.

Today, as we get ready to send our daughter off to camp….

She Said – In One Piece

I dropped our daughter off for a playdate today and was greeted by two good friends, standing in the sun amidst the gleeful squeal of children so happy to see each other. “How are you doing?” I was asked by my friend. “Ya know, I’m in one piece, and right now, that’s all I’m asking of myself.”…..

She Said – Is This What They Mean By Co-Dependent?

So here’s what I’ve come to realize – in no small part due to his post yesterday – people who are dependent on things are dependent on things. I know, in and of itself that’s hardly a revelation, but bear with me.

He is so smart, creative, kind, generous, gorgeous, etc….. He doesn’t, in any way, fit the description of what I would have thought a co-dependent person was. You know, he’s not weak. And he’s certainly not manipulative, not intentionally anyway.

But I was reading his post from yesterday, and there it was…….

She Said – I Hate Guilt

Is there anything more useless than guilt? Feeling guilty accomplishes nothing, and takes some good self-talking-too to work your way out of. At the end of it, I usually end up affirming my own right to happiness and remembering that I can’t hinder it just because someone else isn’t affirming their own right to happiness. But it still feels like eating fermented dog poop one spoonful at a time until i get it down and purge it out and flush it away as it should be…….

She Said – Al Anon Meetings

I have two Al Anon meetings under my belt now. They say to try at least 6 before you decide if it’s “for you” or not. So I’m willing to try. But I just don’t know. If I were a betting woman (they have 12 step programs for that, ya know) I’d guess that I’ll find a few people that I like and befriend them. I’ve never been a “joiner,” I’m flat-out allergic to anything that feels like group think or prescripted think, so….

She Said – Starting 5 Weeks Later

5 weeks ago, give or take, my husband of 14 years was arrested for DUI with a blood alcohol level of .27. That is 3 times the legal limit. That is really f’ing drunk.

He called at 3:30 in the morning. I didn’t hear the phone ring. (I don’t regret that, even if I had heard it ring, I wouldn’t have done anything. I saw it as his mess he made, his mess to clean up.)

No one was hurt. Not physically anyway.

But we were both devastated. 5 weeks later, we still are…….