She Said – Addiction Is Addiction, Damn It.

It’s a gorgeous day here today. Sun is shining and all that hallmark crap that would imply singing Blue Birds spreading melodic joy into the open waiting souls of shiny happy people. Yah, well screw that, my car smells like cigarettes.

So really, I got in the car this morning and it smelled like cigarettes. I do not have words for how much I hate cigarettes, but that’s just my thing, and I get that. But here’s what is happening now and then, he is smoking instead of drinking.

Excuse me! What the F is the difference? None. At least that’s how I see it.

Alcohol is not the core problem with alcoholism…….

She Said – Finding Peaceful Places

I was happy for a lot of the last couple days. I was also angry for a few chunks. No, not angry, more like resentful. No, not resentful either, just…. I think that my husband’s alcoholism and depression (they are so intertwined) has robbed me of the definitions that I used to use to figure out when I am and how I feel and what I’m doing.

Today, as we get ready to send our daughter off to camp….

He Said – Dependency

It’s true. I’ve always depended on other people and other things to cope. Why should I do things that someone else can do better, and I can just rely on that? The automatic thought being that SOMEONE ELSE CAN DO IT BETTER. Why try to cope with those feelings? That’s too stressful, and it won’t get me anywhere anyway. I could just drink, and at least make it SEEM better for a while . . .

He Said – Bottling It In

I was a shy kid. Never really comfortable with myself. Stayed close to my parents. I was very quiet. Not outwardly expessive. A lot of my personality came out through artwork. Whenever I experienced something stressful or frustrating, I would often depict the situation in a drawing, or in some other visual form, as a way to work through it. I was a follower……..

She Said – Starting 5 Weeks Later

5 weeks ago, give or take, my husband of 14 years was arrested for DUI with a blood alcohol level of .27. That is 3 times the legal limit. That is really f’ing drunk.

He called at 3:30 in the morning. I didn’t hear the phone ring. (I don’t regret that, even if I had heard it ring, I wouldn’t have done anything. I saw it as his mess he made, his mess to clean up.)

No one was hurt. Not physically anyway.

But we were both devastated. 5 weeks later, we still are…….